Thanks to the Chinese Water Torture that is Core 6, I understand that evolution is a biological process of changing in species over time due to mutation or natural selection. Because evolution takes place over long expanses of time, I wonder if it is ever something I could witness happening. I can see evolution other places—that is, just changes in other things.
For example, I’ve seen quite an evolution of fashion.
Every kid I taught last semester thought it was cool to wear flannel/plaid shirts. Had I student taught three years ago, every kid would have been sporting their cool new pair of Crocs. This concept should make sense to even the most dense of individuals. None of us dress the way our parents did at our age.
I often wonder if the evolution of one thing could have an impact on another. Could the current fads that have evolved in the fashion world change the course of our biological evolution, as a species? If so, the female gender could be diverging—diverging in a frightening way.
Within a couple generations, I predict a portion of the female population shall most likely evolve into a different breed of Homo sapien, a breed of Homo sapien impervious to cold in their bottom half.
Given the frigid temperature outside, I find myself bundling up and wearing an abundance of clothing to compensate for my body’s inability to keep warm. However, it seems having two X-chromosomes has given certain individuals skin so thick, pants are no longer required outdoors. The single-digit temperatures have no effect.
Tights, most appropriate for a staging of Peter Pan, have replaced pants as the necessary attire for the female nether-region, even in the great outdoors. Can you say brrr? I don’t even like changing my underwear in my room when the heat isn’t working; I can’t imagine facing the arctic winds with only a thin layer of fabric for protection.
This evolution—a south-of-the-border, thick-skinned situation—leads me to believe that women will begin developing excess blubbery deposits, disproportioning and widening the bottom of the female figure. This is the only logical explanation for the other fashion evolutionary trend, the UGG boot.
History has shown that women often make inappropriate decisions regarding footwear. Look at the Chinese, who bound and wrapped their feet for centuries. Now, instead of binding and wrapping them in bandages, ladies choose to just wrap them in sheepskin and dead squirrels. However, these boots, given their ostentatious size, provide more ample support for the amply expanding appendages formerly known as shapely.
Thinking like the evolutionary scientist Core 6 has lectured me to be, this amassing increase allows women to become the ultimate Weeble-Wobble. However, developments of this voluminous nature will render those of a feminine persuasion hideous and utterly unattractive. Fugly.
The aforementioned gender, in its newly appalling evolutionary state, would result in the immediate decline of global birth rates. This declination would bottom out at nil. It doesn’t take a science major to realize what that means…
Girls wearing tights instead of pants in the middle of winter will cause the extinction of humankind.